Last week we lost our dog, Rocky. She
was a beautiful Siberian husky who in her younger years was full of energy and
mischief. She was a typical husky - she destroyed things, she talked back, and
she was a horrible listener, but I loved her very, very much. She was my first born so to speak. She had
been with me through so much: a horrible
breakup, starting graduate school, finding my husband, and the birth of our
child. She was always the belle of the ball, everyone who met her loved her and
we had many wonderful adventures together.
Unfortunately, Rocky was old and had
some health issues so CJ never really got to know the Rocky that my husband, I
and so many others loved. The morning after she passed as I was fighting back
tears, my beautiful CJ said the sweetest thing:
Me: How did you sleep?
CJ: Fine, how did you sleep, Mommy?
Me: Not very well
CJ: Does your tummy hurt?
Me: No I am sad
CJ: ‘Cause you miss Rocky.
Me: Yes, I miss her very much.
CJ: Me too, Mommy
She hasn’t cried, and I consciously
understand that as a 3 year old she doesn’t fully comprehend death. My husband
and I explained to CJ that Rocky died and that she won’t be coming home again,
but the concept appears to be above her cognitive ability. As you can imagine
there are a lot of websites that address the issue of how to approach the
subject of death with children. Personally the two that I found most useful
are:
However, there is not a lot of
scientific research about the level to which toddlers and young children
understand the concept of death. Young children can experience separation
anxiety when someone or something is missing; however researchers who examine
the comprehension of death study the ability of children to understand four
main subconcepts (Nagy, 1948; Speece and Brent, 1984; Speece, 1995; Hunter and Smith,
2008):
Irreversibility- once a
living thing dies it cannot become alive again
Nonfunctionality- once
something dies, its biological function ends
Universality- all
living things must die
Inevitability- there is
nothing to do to avoid death
The literature has indicated that a
child’s age, cognitive ability, individual experiences with death, and
communication about death may influence their understanding.
The majority of the studies I have read
were conducted from the 70’s - 90’s and suggest that a child’s understanding of
the four subconcepts occur when they can demonstrate the logical thinking of
object conservation—around 9 years of age. A more recent study concluded that children
were able to understand the four concepts of death around 6 years of age
(Hunter and Smith, 2008). This study showed that a child’s cognitive ability to
arrange objects in logical sequences was related to their ability to understand
inevitability, universality, and irreversibility, while their ability to
conserve was only linked to the understanding of inevitability. As expected,
the experience of the death of a pet or relative helps a child understand the
concept at a younger age; however, the researchers did not find a significant
effect with open communication about death. This might be due to the lack of
diversity in the study which was a result of the small sample size used.
One of the more poignant studies I found
examined the role of communication in children’s understanding of death. The
researchers concluded that children were more likely to be confused and need extra
support at transitions in life if parents did not involve the child in the
“death experience,” and that open communication between family members provided
the emotional support needed for a healthy recovery (Weber and Fournier, 1985).
Our primary goal for CJ at this moment
is for her to understand that Rocky won’t be coming home because her body
stopped working, not because she was bad (as she has mentioned a few times). So
we will continue the conversation about Rocky’s death with her. As part of that
conversation we are planning a little memorial to remember Rocky–to say goodbye
in a way that hopefully allows not just CJ, but my husband and I some closure
on Rocky’s death.
